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Hellllo Monday I was in bed and asleep by 9:30 last night. SCORE

So I had an impromptu date last Friday with this dude named Fred. FRED. Who named their kid Fred? I know who...someone from South Carolina. So Fred is 39, and from S.C. He has the cutest accent ever, and is super handsome in a very adult like way...like heapos;s over 6 feet and has pretty blue/green eyes, but dresses like a cowboy, minus the hat. And he listens to country music...new country...not rad old skool country. He lives in (get this...) Beverly Hills and drives a moapos;foapos; mercedes SUV. These things donapos;t mean much of anything to me, but I find it hilarious that I am dating a rich man. He has a science degree, and sells medical equipment. I didnapos;t know that profession was so lucrative.

we talked all night about art and politics and religion and relationships, and it was nice. We couldnapos;t talk about books or music or film, because we have NO similar interests. Homeboy talked about himself all night long, just how I like it.

now the bad, or not-so-bad part, is that he is looking for "no strings attached" type of relationships. Heapos;s constantly traveling and doesnapos;t really have time for a girlfriend, but wants to have someone for when he is at home. Well. Iapos;m not sure how I feel about that. I apparently suck at relationships, so maybe this would be right up my alley? I enjoy spending time with Fred...he feeds my more mature side...but am I selling myself short? Iapos;ve never been with a man that is so quick to spoil me, and it feels kind of weird. Who knows...I guess weapos;ll see. He leaves today for New Mexico for the rest of the week, so I have time to figure out what I want.

I worked at Necromance on Saturday, and man oh man...let me tell you...GANG WAY when Black Metal Festival is in town. The grody, European, long haired, pentagram encrusted, filthy metal doods abound. The first filthy long hair told me "I hear you sell, thee, uh, human skin and human bones?" OK, YA FREAKY WEIRDO Luckily I was able to send him over to the natural history store, as my store doesnapos;t carry any of that crap. THEN. Nancy always has her whippets, Donner and Darwin, in the store. They are lovely creatures, and never give customers any problems. But this HUGE, nordic looking metal guy came in, and the dogs kept sniffing HIS SHOES. He looked at me, pointed to his shoes, and said "Itz zee blood. Blood on my shoez." and when I looked down, Iapos;ll be damned if I didnapos;t see caked BLOOD on his black leather boots. GROSS GET AWAY YOU FREAKY SATANIC RITUAL PARTICIPANT

In all honesty, the metal dudes may have reeked of B.O. And just gotten out of a black mass, but they were all really nice. The minute one of them asked me for help counting change because he wasnapos;t sure about U.S. Currency, I automatically went into library lady mode and tried to help them as best I could. Smelly, satanic metal dudes from Norway or Denmark or wherever, really arenapos;t that bad if you approach with a soft side.

Sunday I spent with my mama. We chilled, and had dinner at Carrowapos;s (haha), and I came home and crashed. I loved yesterday to pieces.

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I want you to fucking know that you are a fuck up.
You say all of this shit , but itapos;s really all a fucking joke in the end.
I canapos;t believe anything meaningful that comes out of your mouth anymore.
Itapos;s like how can I take it seriously when I know you donapos;t mean it?


You fuck up.
Youapos;re stupid and you say you care about me but you donapos;t.
Iapos;m your fucking back up plan.
All I want is to be yours. Yeah I want it in writing bitch but you donapos;t have the balls (or the brains) to make it happen.
I hope youapos;re happy.
When you feel like somethingapos;s missing when Iapos;m gone, donapos;t come running.

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I donapos;t even want to�live anymore.�i have nothing going for me moving isnt going to change shit. I was stupid for liking someone so much and only being like fifteen. I think iapos;m 20 sometimes. Everyone is so fucking stupid. i have all these losers hitting on me it just makes me want to throw up. My mind is so scattered. I hurt all over. My eraser burns are fucking ITCHY and burning. I just want someone taht makes me happy to live in a tent with me in the woods we�could never come out. Thatapos;d be perfect. I hate pretty much a ll people. Including my grandma. Shes going to fucking die since my aunt is a big fat fuck never does shit for herself. Iapos;m not even going to TRY to live a life a nymore. Iapos;ll go to school, come back home sit. No weekends, no friends, no interaction. Then iapos;ll bet you a billion dollars�i wonapos;t be so depressed.� noone can disapoint me or piss me off if i dont care. But thereapos;d be no point if i donapos;t interact wtih anyone. So i shouidl just die. Ugh. Tara and connor are here and im in here eatting animal crackers. Yum. I dont feeel guuud

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One hour, 11 minutes.

Iapos;m effing exhausted.

Iapos;m paranoid-delusional, too.� apos;Cept the problem is, I donapos;t know theyapos;re NOT�out to get me.� Or at least, not out to ignore me. *shrug*� Not sure which is worse...

Definitely the ignoring me.

Such crappy sleep last night, and Iapos;ve made it through, almost, apos;til morning.� I donapos;t work tomorrow after all, huzzah huzzah - Iapos;ve got Tuesday swing and then Thursday Friday Saturday graveyards. ZOMG, I�miss last week already.� Getting up on my OWN schedule.� At least Iapos;ll get my homework done

Speaking of which, just got done with my paper, "Walking to Work: Dichotomy of Privilege and Oppression".� I think, given that Iapos;m citing her own material as a source, sheapos;ll like it... I�think.� I hope. �*crosses fingers*� Well, fuck, if she doesnapos;t, thereapos;s always the rewrite.� If someone had still been online and awake at 6am, Iapos;d have requested an editor... Microsoft Spell Check, donapos;t fail me now

Heartburn from too much caffeine and nothing to eat tonight.� I sorta forgot to pack a lunch.� Woopsydoodle.

My friend Ian came and said hello this evening - that was cool. Fun. Nifty, even

And now... SNL�clips from last night to keep me entertained until Brandon gets here to relieve me.� Woo

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Jamaica was so much fun The rest of my summer went by fast, and school is in full swing again.. Has been for a month now I am teaching First Grade this year. Itapos;s cool because I get to teach some of my kiddos that I had last year in Kindergarten. My hubby and I also got a puppy over the summer. He is adorable and we are taking him to puppy classes on Saturdays. Oh, and we also bought a house :D
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he hates me. I hate myself too. He doesnapos;t touch my face. Because it isnapos;t smooth. Iapos;m helpless. Like iapos;m the one burnt and lying there. Itapos;ll shatter me to pieces. But not to him. I wish to share him with everyone. How wonderfully and amazingly he treats me. And iapos;m being a bitch. But if it becomes known itapos;ll be over. He wonapos;t even have to pretend to stop me. No one can stop it. Fuck lies. But there werenapos;t even any to�begin with. Since loving someone means giving him the power to break me. Iapos;m already broken so itapos;s okay. He can burn me. He can drag my lifeless body under the truck without a license. Iapos;ll go shoot myself after heapos;s gone, soon

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I threw away a journal today. A silk covered orange and gold sari. I have no fairy tale.
Iapos;m too sad to even cry.
My prince charming was a wolf in frogapos;s clothing.
I believed. He really made me believe. I didnapos;t think I could love again. I thought I was too broken. It took me years to recover from Michael. I told him this. I told him my heart couldnapos;t take recovering again. He didnapos;t listen. The promises of sweets and picket fences meant nothing.
Iapos;m so angry. I donapos;t feel like he cared at all. That was what ended it. I told him that I needed more support to think that he really wanted to make us better, that my faith in us was waivering... And he told me I wasnapos;t worth it.
So many people told me the only reason we were still ok was because he didnapos;t want me showing up to the trial. So many people told me that he wasnapos;t going to ever be my creature again. And still I held on. By every string I could. Every little sentence that would sound even slightly concerned about me or the baby. Then again there were also the nights he would call me up and blame me for things I wouldnapos;t do. He always told me I did things that happened years ago when he was hammered. He told me the other night that he was happy that he had cheated on me. And details that I didnapos;t need. I donapos;t know whether to believe him or not. He was drunk... But then Iapos;ll just be putting my faith back in him again. I canapos;t do that anymore. I just end up hurt. I really really thought he just needed time. I had so many surprises. I thought we would be okay. I really did. I thought it was all over now and we would just get better. Especially after I compromised myself to keep him out of jail in the end. But he just screamed about that too. I was so scared and crying in the Walgreens parking lot. A friend is right - why do I ever expect anything out of him? How do I expect him to be the person that he said he wanted to be? How do I still against everything everyone tells me, everything my brain tells me, do I still want to believe in my heart that heapos;ll do the right thing in the end?
I was so happy putting money on my gifts for my facebook account the other day. I made a list. The prince charming frog prince, the robot love... I finally had a little bit to put in fiscally and it made me so happy to think about. My lovebot... My zak pon...
I threw away the honey bee info I adopted him for the insectarium. Iapos;ve been trying to give it to him for days. Iapos;ve been trying to take him for months.
I hope I can return the gifts I got him for xmas. They were way too expensive to just sit at my house. Especially with the 3000 extra in ob bills (before my insurance) that I got last night.

One of the things we used to fight about was that he would make plans with everyone else before he would make plans with me. There was one night that he told me we could spend together and then he told some people he would go to the dragonapos;s den with them. I was so upset.
Last week I had a night off and had begged him to spend it with me and he said, "sure I donapos;t have anything planned" and then that night rolls around and heapos;s made plans with someone else (who blows him off). Itapos;s the fact that everyone else always came first.

I find out what gender the baby is next week.
At ochsner at 2:40 pm on wednesday.

If he puts no effort in to be there then I know everything he ever said about wanting a family with me was just another lie. Iapos;m still clinging. I canapos;t figure out why. Iapos;m so hurt.
Itapos;s ironic. I never wanted to get married, I wanted someone to be there for me. I never wanted to raise kids in this economy. I was planning on getting my tubes tied after I finished business school. He knew all this. He changed all this. And Iapos;m left alone pregnant and with a ring. My heart hurts worse than I could have ever known before him.
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