dramatic devices

I threw away a journal today. A silk covered orange and gold sari. I have no fairy tale.
Iapos;m too sad to even cry.
My prince charming was a wolf in frogapos;s clothing.
I believed. He really made me believe. I didnapos;t think I could love again. I thought I was too broken. It took me years to recover from Michael. I told him this. I told him my heart couldnapos;t take recovering again. He didnapos;t listen. The promises of sweets and picket fences meant nothing.
Iapos;m so angry. I donapos;t feel like he cared at all. That was what ended it. I told him that I needed more support to think that he really wanted to make us better, that my faith in us was waivering... And he told me I wasnapos;t worth it.
So many people told me the only reason we were still ok was because he didnapos;t want me showing up to the trial. So many people told me that he wasnapos;t going to ever be my creature again. And still I held on. By every string I could. Every little sentence that would sound even slightly concerned about me or the baby. Then again there were also the nights he would call me up and blame me for things I wouldnapos;t do. He always told me I did things that happened years ago when he was hammered. He told me the other night that he was happy that he had cheated on me. And details that I didnapos;t need. I donapos;t know whether to believe him or not. He was drunk... But then Iapos;ll just be putting my faith back in him again. I canapos;t do that anymore. I just end up hurt. I really really thought he just needed time. I had so many surprises. I thought we would be okay. I really did. I thought it was all over now and we would just get better. Especially after I compromised myself to keep him out of jail in the end. But he just screamed about that too. I was so scared and crying in the Walgreens parking lot. A friend is right - why do I ever expect anything out of him? How do I expect him to be the person that he said he wanted to be? How do I still against everything everyone tells me, everything my brain tells me, do I still want to believe in my heart that heapos;ll do the right thing in the end?
I was so happy putting money on my gifts for my facebook account the other day. I made a list. The prince charming frog prince, the robot love... I finally had a little bit to put in fiscally and it made me so happy to think about. My lovebot... My zak pon...
I threw away the honey bee info I adopted him for the insectarium. Iapos;ve been trying to give it to him for days. Iapos;ve been trying to take him for months.
I hope I can return the gifts I got him for xmas. They were way too expensive to just sit at my house. Especially with the 3000 extra in ob bills (before my insurance) that I got last night.

One of the things we used to fight about was that he would make plans with everyone else before he would make plans with me. There was one night that he told me we could spend together and then he told some people he would go to the dragonapos;s den with them. I was so upset.
Last week I had a night off and had begged him to spend it with me and he said, "sure I donapos;t have anything planned" and then that night rolls around and heapos;s made plans with someone else (who blows him off). Itapos;s the fact that everyone else always came first.

I find out what gender the baby is next week.
At ochsner at 2:40 pm on wednesday.

If he puts no effort in to be there then I know everything he ever said about wanting a family with me was just another lie. Iapos;m still clinging. I canapos;t figure out why. Iapos;m so hurt.
Itapos;s ironic. I never wanted to get married, I wanted someone to be there for me. I never wanted to raise kids in this economy. I was planning on getting my tubes tied after I finished business school. He knew all this. He changed all this. And Iapos;m left alone pregnant and with a ring. My heart hurts worse than I could have ever known before him.
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